About Me

My mom has always been really overprotective, which is a huge understatement. Growing up, she didn’t let me play games or watch anything that promoted rated R (in some cases PG-13, way more so before high school) drug/alcohol use. I couldn’t watch shows like Family Guy, movies like 21 Jump Street, or play games like Grand Theft Auto. She didn’t want me thinking that what those things mainly promote were ok for me to even dabble in during my childhood (or ever in some situations). I knew, and still believe, that she obviously did me a huge favor. However, that led to a ton of shaming (from boys) which made me feel out of place with the teenage world. Often, I’d be in a conversation with friends or acquaintances and once the topic switched to something that I “should’ve” had at least a decent understanding of but didn’t, I got flat out embarrassed. As usual, I played it off as if it hardly bothered me because if I actually showed how embarrassed I was, that would make me look like an even bigger loser. I wouldn't involve myself in a lot of conversations that were happening in front of me or subtly remove myself from one that was soon to expose my lack of knowledge about drugs or slang in general that basically everyone else had a PhD in. Despite that, there were too many times after I adopted that mindset where I let myself get comfortable in a conversation, causing me to allow myself to become blind to the obvious embarrassment that was right around the corner. An example would be laughing at jokes about certain things, that I hardly (at best) understood, because whoever was around me was laughing so I didn’t want to feel left out. Then my understanding would be questioned (certain people knew when I basically had no idea of what was actually going on) and consequently I became the joke.

However, I had some close friends and was friends or cool with a lot of my peers but toward the start of high school I basically avoided hanging out with them outside of school. For the most part, there weren’t specific people that typically shamed me because I got embarrassed by many of them, usually different ones each time. Although there were many students who never treated me like an outsider, I got ridiculed too much to trust that I could be real friends with anyone.

So I naturally became very distanced from the majority of mainstream teenage ways and knowledge (basically every example I mention in this paragraph is still or almost the case). I had no interest in having a social media account to update people on my personal feelings, pretend that my life was interesting or try to be funny. I was usually unaware, or “late” in finding out, of the gist behind popular social media trends like the “in my feelings challenge” or sayings such as “that ain’t it chief”. Attending high school football games, prom/school dances or something like the Austin City Limits festival had zero importance to me. I also could’ve cared less about going to a mall so I could have at least around 10 pairs of shoes or clothes that would give me the swag and sophistication that the popular students craved. For most of my childhood, I wore the same very worn out nikes (my everyday pair) because they were still usable. Outside of another pair for basketball (I had 2 pairs for hooping but they weren’t bought at the same time because the other one was purchased when the first one became too damaged), that was it. Basically all the clothes I’ve ever had (except shoes), have been bought by my mom since she’s always known that I only like athletic shorts (low/loose ones)/shirts (loose ones) and sweatpants (again, loose ones). (I dress the same way for church lol). The last time I went to a party was in middle school. There were many other things that I was “supposed” to care about and consequently I was made fun of for being too “ignorant” (I recently figured out that Wurstfest existed, an example of my “ignorance”). So I naturally became a huge introvert who was, and still am to a bit of a lesser degree, very comfortable being by myself when I wasn’t with my family. An example of this: Seniors were allowed to leave campus for lunch so basically none of them were in the cafeteria during that period and lunch sessions were mixed with people from every grade so there was no one I wanted to sit with. So on "B" days I spent lunch by myself in the classroom I was in before and after lunch or the library (if the classroom was unavailable) because I chose the much cheaper option: bringing food from home. Sometimes I ate in the library but people weren't allowed to eat there so I ate in a sneakily fashion. Eating was allowed in that classroom during lunch because there'd be a few people at most and there were tables away from the computers. (On "A" days, lunch was part of my off period). I didn't mind eating alone because there were computers. And the less time I spent around others, the better.

Side note: the last time I rode a bike was in middle school because I was really sick of getting shamed for using a helmet. My mom didn’t let me ride without a helmet which is another example of how much differently I was raised from the norm.    

I spent too much time around the wrong people, including some close friends (not all of them were close throughout middle/high school) so I could be accepted by the popular crowd. Many times they usually didn’t mind humiliating me (to be a**holes, not only because I didn’t know something) by bringing up stuff from my past that weren’t true or were greatly fabricated, or saying nasty things about me, though I didn’t do anything to warrant that. Then they would talk with me as if nothing happened but I was too focused on fitting in to call them out for being extremely fake and/or completely distance myself from them. What's even worse is that I gave the impression that I liked how I was treated. Along with my hobbies hardly lining up with everyone else, I had absolutely no faith whatsoever that I could be real friends with anyone. My brothers were raised the same way but they were mature enough to make genuine friendships so all of this is primarily my fault.

It was common for people to gossip in a way that really crossed the line about “geeks” or anyone else who was a “loser” (I wasn’t considered as neither). However, many times I did that to fit in, even though it never represented how I was raised or most importantly, my morals. I didn’t come close to being a bully but I deeply regret my behavior. In 7th grade I was very disrespectful to a completely innocent teacher. I didn’t feel comfortable at all doing that but I was too prone to letting certain people dictate my actions.   

I’m in my junior year in college and I haven’t gotten drunk or high (that’ll definitely stay this way). Even drinking without getting intoxicated has never interested me at all and barring something completely unexpected, that won't change. I could care less about those things even though it's easy to do them without my mom finding out. I’ve haven’t cared about tailgating (even without alcohol), going to football games, or video games like fortnite/call of duty and it’s very probable that will continue. (Even if those games were approved by my mom, I don’t know how inappropriate they would seem to her, I still wouldn’t have played them since I lost interest in them about a decade ago).

Side note: I wasn't a pervert like most of my peers. Unfortunately, too often my manhood was questioned because of this. Sometimes certain people responded to me as if I was gay which was extremely difficult to deal with. I just didn't like engaging in those corny conversations. Please don't get me wrong, I have nothing against gays. Just know that anyone would be very offended if a false narrative is created about their sexuality. What was even more frustrating is that the vast majority of people who shamed me (not just referring to this paragraph) were those who wore skinny jeans and/or shorts halfway up their thighs. Also, a lot of these students were football players and football players in middle and especially high school, at least in my experience, were known to do some homosexual-esque stuff (obviously not every football player). They had a habit of talking as if they were gay. Somehow it was viewed as funny but in reality it was pretty corny. If I acted gay, I definitely would've been ridiculed because I didn't have a certain level of a popularity to protect me from social consequences among my peers (i.e. getting cancelled). Think of it as popularity privilege. And I'm not just referring to homo-esque behavior, that privilege was a huge factor in a general. It's crazy when I think of how many times these kids got away with just flat out disgraceful stuff. Anyway, the main issue in this story is that fake alpha males tried to lower my value, primarily by acting as if I was ignorant, because I didn't dedicate what I do in my free time to what's mainstream. (Do know I'm not criticizing anybody for how they dress but my manhood shouldn't be questioned since the way I dress and act is nowhere near feminine).

So why didn't I fight these individuals? The trouble (getting suspended or going to some kind of correctional school) definitely wouldn't have been worth it for me and would've caused my mom way too much stress. Also, I have no interest whatsoever in fighting unless I absolutely have to. It's a complete waste of energy. I'm no Mayweather but make no mistake, the vast majority of people who were disrespectful to me would've gotten a handful if I started swinging. And if my brothers were treated the same way when I was in high school then I absolutely would've gone to work because NO ONE is messing with my family like that.

Anyway, I've seen some of the type of shows and movies my mom wouldn't let me watch growing up but I don't feel guilty because I'm mature enough to do so since my core values haven't changed. I watched them on one of my prior roommate's Netflix account. I haven't found it worth the cost for me despite how entertaining they are because I haven't proven that I'll spend a lot of time watching them. By the way, I didn't figure out how Netflix worked until college (another example of my “ignorance”).

Side note: contrary to what it seems like, I've actually watched a ton of good movies in my life but I don't often decide to watch them based on mainstream popularity. I watch whatever suits me, whenever I feel like it. Also, I usually forget the movies, especially the titles, I watch about a week later lol.

What has greatly separated me from people in general is that outside of my 2 brothers, I haven't had any real friends for about the last 6 years. Outside of the few times I’ve gone to hoop with people who’ve (for the most part) been my acquaintances, I've haven't spent my free time with anyone since I've been in college (I usually go to the rec by myself). So I haven't eaten out with friends or done anything else (besides going to the rec) that college students typically do during their free time. However, for my taste, I’ve made up for that by regularly talking with people at work, in class, or wherever else on campus (and on the phone with my family). Also, the things I’ve done for fun regularly, besides exercising at the rec, are things that I’d much rather do by myself or with my brothers. The last 2 sentences, and the fact that I’ve spent about a third of each of the past two years living with my family, explain why not having any real friends has never bothered me (also, I’ve been a huge introvert for many years).

I’ve lived in the same very small dorm room every semester but even though it’s been really convenient (not just financially) for me compared to living in another dorm and most notably an apartment, I’ve tried to keep this a secret as much as possible because of how unconventional it is to do so past your freshman year. Being viewed and/or treated as an inferior person because I don't strive to be like everyone else has been the biggest impediment in my life by far. That’s why I’ve tried as much as possible to avoid telling people where I live.

This semester, way more so than any other one in college, my past has really taken its toll on my self esteem because of something that happened to me right before this semester started. The way I’ve lived has made it so much harder for me to do certain things that the vast majority of people accomplish with the same ease as tying shoes (I’m dead serious). I’ve spent most of the last (roughly) 2.5 years away from my family. They're the only people who've always allowed me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I usually haven't felt guilty for being myself but it's been too much of an issue lately and I should never feel that way. So I’m sharing all of this to give myself a chance not to feel like an outsider. I'm not sure anything will change but keeping this to myself isn't working at all so I might as well try something new.

My life hasn't been a train wreck despite what I've said since it has been full of blessings. I've had a lot of fun and done a variety of things so I'm normal in that sense. I'm just very different in how I present my life to my peers. I'm human like literally everyone else so I shouldn't be shamed or questioned because my passion for basketball is extremely unusual in today's world which is a result of the huge rise in popularity of Netflix (and similar products) and social media.

Regardless of all that I've said, my mental health is solid and I'm grateful for that. I'm only 20 so I have more than enough time to see better days 😀