Who I Am (March 2022)
March 2022
I was blessed, but public humiliation was the norm. They didn’t like that I have an African name. Their racist taunting was definitely an issue, but that was an intro to what they really hated about me: I didn't live my life trying to fit in. That’s a rare combo, especially the latter, in the US which made me a target to be treated like some kind of 2nd class citizen. (I'll skip the consistent verbal abuse). They hated that I didn’t use social media, and base my free time on mainstream movies, tv shows, video games, and celebrities. They challenged my manhood since I didn't drink, party, or smoke weed (I do what's naturally comfortable to me, which shouldn't be a big deal). They hated that I didn't dress like a pretty boy even though my clothes weren't raggedy/smelling. Nothing I put on was wild, but the expectation is to dress like some kind of fashionista, country club dude, or frat kid. Except for social media, I've continued the same habits. And with social media, I don't use it to prove my life is interesting. All of this is why people still react to me as if I'm some kind of ignorant no-life. The hate from grade school is gone, but I still have to explain and defend myself too often for just being me. So a lot hasn't changed which is the issue, not my past. Anyway, it’s natural to question something that’s unusual so I don't dislike anyone who does it. However, it's still tough sometimes dealing with the false narrative that since I don't try to live like others, everything I do during my free time is basketball related. I’ve never known anyone who's dealt with these kind of problems, which I can live with. But these are the prices I pay so I don’t spend my life not talking to anyone since no one can afford to live like that, not even a huge introvert like me. That's why I had to accept the disrespect (remember, I was a kid) back in the day. There's a lot of normal things that people do that are objectively much weirder than the way I live but because those things are socially acceptable, I can't judge people the way they do to me. If I do, no one will talk to me (which was the case back in the day too). I live based on my own understanding and convictions since I'm not hurting anyone by doing so. I can't have peace of mind by selling out myself to be like others. No one is perfect.
April 2023
Also, too often I am cornered into inappropriate conversations about my personal life, pressured into a lifestyle that I've said many times I'm not into, and have to deal with comments/jokes about me being gay because it's been awhile since I had a girlfriend and don't sleep with whoever, etc. Dealing with this is especially problematic when I'm invited somewhere to celebrate me so I can't even blame myself for somehow not avoiding the situation (the who and where doesn't matter since they don't change the underlying issue). And the false narrative that I'm less of a man because I still haven't moved out of my mom's house and bought my own car is also very depressing to deal with. Especially since I pay rent and most importantly, work extremely hard for my family. I live in a culture that's addicted to gossip, pervertedness, aesthetics, and materialism. But since I don't live like this, my personal life has been under heavy surveillance. The older I get, the more of a target I am.
August 2023
Many times I feel very anxious and depressed when I'm genuinely not trying to think of all the pain that I've suffered for most of my life. There's a cloud that I often can't escape. I realize that I lack the general sense of positive anticipation that naturally comes with being younger which makes things much worse.
I was blessed, but public humiliation was the norm. They didn’t like that I have an African name. Their racist taunting was definitely an issue, but that was an intro to what they really hated about me: I didn't live my life trying to fit in. That’s a rare combo, especially the latter, in the US which made me a target to be treated like some kind of 2nd class citizen. (I'll skip the consistent verbal abuse). They hated that I didn’t use social media, and base my free time on mainstream movies, tv shows, video games, and celebrities. They challenged my manhood since I didn't drink, party, or smoke weed (I do what's naturally comfortable to me, which shouldn't be a big deal). They hated that I didn't dress like a pretty boy even though my clothes weren't raggedy/smelling. Nothing I put on was wild, but the expectation is to dress like some kind of fashionista, country club dude, or frat kid. Except for social media, I've continued the same habits. And with social media, I don't use it to prove my life is interesting. All of this is why people still react to me as if I'm some kind of ignorant no-life. The hate from grade school is gone, but I still have to explain and defend myself too often for just being me. So a lot hasn't changed which is the issue, not my past. Anyway, it’s natural to question something that’s unusual so I don't dislike anyone who does it. However, it's still tough sometimes dealing with the false narrative that since I don't try to live like others, everything I do during my free time is basketball related. I’ve never known anyone who's dealt with these kind of problems, which I can live with. But these are the prices I pay so I don’t spend my life not talking to anyone since no one can afford to live like that, not even a huge introvert like me. That's why I had to accept the disrespect (remember, I was a kid) back in the day. There's a lot of normal things that people do that are objectively much weirder than the way I live but because those things are socially acceptable, I can't judge people the way they do to me. If I do, no one will talk to me (which was the case back in the day too). I live based on my own understanding and convictions since I'm not hurting anyone by doing so. I can't have peace of mind by selling out myself to be like others. No one is perfect.
April 2023
Also, too often I am cornered into inappropriate conversations about my personal life, pressured into a lifestyle that I've said many times I'm not into, and have to deal with comments/jokes about me being gay because it's been awhile since I had a girlfriend and don't sleep with whoever, etc. Dealing with this is especially problematic when I'm invited somewhere to celebrate me so I can't even blame myself for somehow not avoiding the situation (the who and where doesn't matter since they don't change the underlying issue). And the false narrative that I'm less of a man because I still haven't moved out of my mom's house and bought my own car is also very depressing to deal with. Especially since I pay rent and most importantly, work extremely hard for my family. I live in a culture that's addicted to gossip, pervertedness, aesthetics, and materialism. But since I don't live like this, my personal life has been under heavy surveillance. The older I get, the more of a target I am.
August 2023
Many times I feel very anxious and depressed when I'm genuinely not trying to think of all the pain that I've suffered for most of my life. There's a cloud that I often can't escape. I realize that I lack the general sense of positive anticipation that naturally comes with being younger which makes things much worse.
March 2024
The older I get, the more I realize the harsh realities of my life and life in general. It's scary to think how much worse things could've been had I not been luckily saved from all the times my accidental carelessness and ignorance took over. Sometimes I was accidentally oblivious to the major consequences of a decision, with no harm intended, despite having confidence that things would be ok. Often, I thought I had enough focus to do something important correctly, then out of nowhere, my brain would just randomly malfunction and cause me to make a very child-like mistake. In September of 2022, I suddenly started consistently thinking of all the aforementioned errors. From there, I became so afraid on an almost daily basis of what my life could've been like had I not gotten lucky over and over again. Yet, as much as I'd try to focus, these mistakes kept happening. So since then, I've dealt with extreme paranoia on many days even when I'm genuinely trying to have a positive mindset. However, I don't rely on alcohol or any other drug to help me feel better. I'd much rather wait until I feel ok than rely on substances that can easily cause way more damage in the future. I also try to live as simple a life as I can which reduces the chance of me being in dangerous or hectic situations. Therefore, I'm still able to maintain enough sanity and functionality on a daily basis.
*Another thing that's frustrating is that too often I've had the smallest things I could do or say wrong blown out of proportion to make me look like a mean or incompetent person (including being mocked openly to strangers by people who aren't supposed to be doing that). Even in situations where I'm consistently taking care of the important tasks or doing the vast majority of the work. Anyway, I realize that I get treated this way because I don't have enough charm/beauty, "swag", and don't give off an aura of enough sophistication. Add the fact that I'm a tall, darkskin, black male and then it becomes obvious why people discriminate against me in certain situations (most individuals tend to have more of a liking toward people who follow Eurocentric beauty standards and aesthetics). I've gotten a lot better at being more caring, helpful, selfless and friendly over the years, I've long been good (not perfect) at this btw, which makes it even harder to deal with this kind of stuff.
May 2024
Because of the uniqueness of my issues, it's been difficult for people to truly understand me. I often hear things along the lines of "you're overthinking and everyone goes through hard times" (which somehow makes my problems similar to many individuals). Also, no matter how hard I genuinely try to not sound like I'm being a judgemental prick when I have to explain why I don't agree with a lot of how the mainstream world lives, I'm usually viewed as sensitive, insensitive, judgemental, self-righteous, bitter, being projecting, being brainwashed by religion or African culture, or I shouldn't give my opinion on certain things because I haven't lived a specific lifestyle. Often, I'm thrown into categories with groups/people that make me seem like a lesser person. Why must almost every opinion I have be attached to some kind of extreme label? Why can't people just disagree without putting me in categories that have absolutely nothing to do with me? For example, alcohol is quite literally poison which is not an opinion but a fact. It's also not needed at all to survive and costs way more than water which is actually needed to survive. There's no health benefit whatsoever from alcohol. It can cause notable weight gain (hence the term "beer belly" for example) and other significant health issues. Being drunk is the cause of a lot of car accidents, abusive men to their significant others, and general behavior that's objectively just flat out wrong all because being drunk doesn't allow someone to be 100% in control of their own natural thoughts. Depending on the severity, when unexpected bad things happen in our lives, many people rely on alcohol way more than they should to have an extremely altered state of mind to remove themselves from reality which causes a lot of reckless decisions that've ruined their lives physically, mentally, financially, relationship wise, etc. So how is that a part of some kind of group think or anything outside of my own genuine and natural thoughts? Another example: I'm supposed to just sit back and accept people acting like I'm gay, a p*ssy, etc when people find out that I don't sleep with strangers, bounce from relationship to relationship, haven't been in a relationship in a while, speak in a perverted manner, giggle and gossip about who's sleeping with who and what people like to do in bed, etc but God forbid I even suggest that maybe just maybe it might be a contradiction that the vast majority of people don't have a problem with grown men giggling and gossiping like women, men in skin tight jeans and shorts exposing half their thighs, wearing cross body bags, getting manicures, etc. To even hint that doing that kind of stuff might be even a little feminine is where people draw the line with me but when people have disrespecting me, nobody has come to my defense. Somehow the logic behind the principles I live my life by are usually wrong, yet it's been the opposite with everyone else. Honest to God, I've never personally seen anyone else come close to being treated the way I've been treated. I've been judged on an entirely different scale to make sure I'm mostly in the wrong. How is it ok to spend most days sitting while binge watching mainstream tv shows/movies, playing video games like Fortnite, drinking alcohol, gossiping, etc but I'm the one who needs to learn how to "get a life" and "get out of the house more"? How is it ok to obsess about pets, going to the club, buying things to make oneself look very attractive/sophisticated, buying restaurant food, buying alcohol etc but I'm the one who needs to "stop doing the same thing over and over again" simply because of how much I like watching basketball? Why can't I determine what I think represents a quality and enjoyable life for MY life. Is there somebody else living it? Are the things that I'm "missing out" on going to make me rich or famous? Make paying rent easier? Get healthier? Get a job that I like better? All those types of complaints still exist on a daily basis for the type of people that would judge me a certain way so all these experiences that I'm "missing out" on haven't made their lives better in any significant way. So, in reality, me and the rest of them are living "mediocre" lives at best. And I thought "being yourself" was a good thing? Or are the goalposts only moved for certain types of people? Everyone is going to "miss out" on a ton of things but I'm the only one who's constantly pressured to do things that I'm not interested in to meet this dumb quota of "living life to its fullest". Even as a huge introvert, I can't spend damn near every moment of my life alone so whether I like it or not, I do need to have a social life (that I can actually enjoy) to a certain extent without having to constantly look over my shoulder to worry about being embarrassed, blatantly disrespected, and judged in an unfair way that no one else in my surroundings has to deal with.
July 2024
In almost every social situation I'm in nowadays, I have the lesser rank. I'm the child to the parent (I had 0 control in determining that), the younger one, the one who's never been married or had kids, the one who'll take the longest to move out of their parents' house or own a car, the more naturally introverted, the one who has a natural distaste for devoting their life to what's socially acceptable or trying to fit into a group, the one who naturally has a less charming and sophisticated voice/facial expressions/fashion sense, and the one who doesn't have much of an appealing overall swag. Add the fact that I'm a tall, dark skin, black male and then it becomes obvious why people discriminate against me in certain situations (most individuals tend to have more of a liking toward people who follow Eurocentric beauty standards and aesthetics).
Trying to defend the validity of my struggles has been so ridiculously exhausting over the years. No matter how objectively wrong the higher rank people are in a situation, if I object even in the most reasonable and calm way, the narrative is that I'm defensive, delusional, don't listen, or stubborn. I can't express my own natural thoughts on certain matters when I'm in the inferior position. And when others mediate they almost always take the side of the higher ranking person to protect their reputation. So it's very easy to gang up on me and speak down on me without having to worry about discriminating against me or disrespecting me. The blatantly obvious flaws of the higher ranking people are not nearly as nitpicked as mine or are often ignored, especially if it's something I've been corrected about. The goalposts are constantly moved to where I'm usually in the wrong and to where my opposition, in these cases, is almost always right no matter what. I've legitimately lost hope that I can have a social life (that I can actually enjoy) to a certain extent without having to constantly look over my shoulder to worry about being embarrassed, blatantly disrespected, and judged in an unfair way that no one else in my surroundings has ever had to deal with. My social situation is driving me deeper into a heavier anxiety and depression. I'm often genuinely scared of others because of the power they have to control the narratives of me. I literally feel like a slave who must always obey Massa's orders if I want any sort of natural mental freedom. I desperately need my spiritual safety back from when I was a little boy. I've sacrificed way too much with my time and money to help my family, peers and others in need to still be dealing with all of this nonsense. I've put in too much work to genuinely better myself to have my kindness and caring ways be taken advantage of to this degree. I'm so sick and tired of people weaponizing their superiority over me, no matter the intent. If I were to treat these people the way they do to me, I'd definitely lose so much of the remaining little freedom I have left and I'm absolutely terrified that I'll eventually be pushed toward that. I no longer want to be a whipping boy. I'm tired of being practically forced to believe in complete bs that's manufactured as the truth.
Trying to defend the validity of my struggles has been so ridiculously exhausting over the years. No matter how objectively wrong the higher rank people are in a situation, if I object even in the most reasonable and calm way, the narrative is that I'm defensive, delusional, don't listen, or stubborn. I can't express my own natural thoughts on certain matters when I'm in the inferior position. And when others mediate they almost always take the side of the higher ranking person to protect their reputation. So it's very easy to gang up on me and speak down on me without having to worry about discriminating against me or disrespecting me. The blatantly obvious flaws of the higher ranking people are not nearly as nitpicked as mine or are often ignored, especially if it's something I've been corrected about. The goalposts are constantly moved to where I'm usually in the wrong and to where my opposition, in these cases, is almost always right no matter what. I've legitimately lost hope that I can have a social life (that I can actually enjoy) to a certain extent without having to constantly look over my shoulder to worry about being embarrassed, blatantly disrespected, and judged in an unfair way that no one else in my surroundings has ever had to deal with. My social situation is driving me deeper into a heavier anxiety and depression. I'm often genuinely scared of others because of the power they have to control the narratives of me. I literally feel like a slave who must always obey Massa's orders if I want any sort of natural mental freedom. I desperately need my spiritual safety back from when I was a little boy. I've sacrificed way too much with my time and money to help my family, peers and others in need to still be dealing with all of this nonsense. I've put in too much work to genuinely better myself to have my kindness and caring ways be taken advantage of to this degree. I'm so sick and tired of people weaponizing their superiority over me, no matter the intent. If I were to treat these people the way they do to me, I'd definitely lose so much of the remaining little freedom I have left and I'm absolutely terrified that I'll eventually be pushed toward that. I no longer want to be a whipping boy. I'm tired of being practically forced to believe in complete bs that's manufactured as the truth.
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You likely wont agree with everything and that's ok because nobody agrees with every opinion, regardless of the subject. Just know that I tried my best to be objective as possible.